Today's kind of tough. My mother applied for a job in may and has
been wondering for months and months if she was accepted or not and
she's been really anxious about it and now it appears that the criterias
for getting the job was that it would go to the person who had the most
experience in it, which is one person and one person only and everybody
knows who that is, but they never made it clear what the criterias
were. If they had done that, she never would have applied. So now she
has had excessive anxiety over this for half a year, for nothing. But
that's not it. My boyfriend is under a lot of stress now and has been
for a few weeks and it's taking a toll on both of us. I can see how hard
it is for him and how crap he feels and it's so hard to see because all
I want is to see him happy. I miss him. I miss his laughter. Being in a
long distance relationship is hard enough as it is, now he has to be so
stressed he feels like giving up almost every day and we almost never
skype anymore because he's always so busy. I would never leave him for
something like this but it's hard nevertheless. And he feels like a shit
boyfriend when he can't be there for me and that makes me feel bad
because he's an amazing boyfriend and I don't want him to feel like he's
not. But that's not it either. My dog has something seriously wrong
with his livers so for all we know he might die soon.
I
dreamt my boyfriend died last night. It was awful. I cried for about an
hour when I woke up and then I cried some more on the bus to school. I
couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't shake that awful feeling away.
And then he tells me he's under so much stress and pressure that he
feels like taking Adderall which could kill him. When we met he was
taking painkillers to numb the pain but stopped once he fell in love
with me. I don't ever want him to go back to that. I won't let him.
It's
fall. Death is everywhere. It's on the streets, with every leaf leaving
its place on the branch of an aspen. It's in the sky, with every star
you see. It's in the wind. The wind is so cold. I can't take it. I can't
handle the thought of my dog not being in my life anymore so I try not
to think about it. If my boyfriend were to kill himself I think I might
too. I'd like to think I won't, I'd like to think I've gotten away from
those thoughts, and I think I have. Mostly. But sometimes, just
sometimes, death is so imminent. Death is everywhere. It scares me.
-----
I
hate when moments end. You know, when we've had one of those moments
where we just feel so in love with one another and there's butterfly
explosions and jaws are hurting from smiling too much and this usually
hellish kind of world we live in suddenly appears to be all magic. And
then it ends. The moment ends. And all I can think about is how much I
wish you were here and it seems like the weight of the world is on my
shoulders and suddenly I can't breathe and all I want to do is lie down
and cry until summer comes and you finally will be, here, if only for a
while.
That's why I'm here you know, that's my drive, my
motivation. Next summer. When I will finally hold you after waiting so
long, when I will finally kiss you. And maybe some day you and I will
get married, have kids, a house, a dog, and the moment will never end.
That's why I do this. That's why I stay.
------
When moments end and the loneliness presses you further and further down into the deepest ocean and you wish
and wish
and wish your very hardest that maybe,
maybe some day
he will be with you
and the moment
will never
end.
--------
The windows weep as the trees grin
The sun shines but not from within
Tonight you died, in my dreams
Today, it was all I could think about
All I see is in tears although the world is quite beautiful today
Sun and fall and joyeous colours
Orange, green, red and yellow
The wind sings and the sun shines but I
I look for your face among the leaves
You are so near, yet so far
You are here, yet there
It is as if you are at home, waiting
But I never get home.
