Life as I know it - 131009

Today's kind of tough. My mother applied for a job in may and has been wondering for months and months if she was accepted or not and she's been really anxious about it and now it appears that the criterias for getting the job was that it would go to the person who had the most experience in it, which is one person and one person only and everybody knows who that is, but they never made it clear what the criterias were. If they had done that, she never would have applied. So now she has had excessive anxiety over this for half a year, for nothing. But that's not it. My boyfriend is under a lot of stress now and has been for a few weeks and it's taking a toll on both of us. I can see how hard it is for him and how crap he feels and it's so hard to see because all I want is to see him happy. I miss him. I miss his laughter. Being in a long distance relationship is hard enough as it is, now he has to be so stressed he feels like giving up almost every day and we almost never skype anymore because he's always so busy. I would never leave him for something like this but it's hard nevertheless. And he feels like a shit boyfriend when he can't be there for me and that makes me feel bad because he's an amazing boyfriend and I don't want him to feel like he's not. But that's not it either. My dog has something seriously wrong with his livers so for all we know he might die soon.

I dreamt my boyfriend died last night. It was awful. I cried for about an hour when I woke up and then I cried some more on the bus to school. I couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't shake that awful feeling away. And then he tells me he's under so much stress and pressure that he feels like taking Adderall which could kill him. When we met he was taking painkillers to numb the pain but stopped once he fell in love with me. I don't ever want him to go back to that. I won't let him.

It's fall. Death is everywhere. It's on the streets, with every leaf leaving its place on the branch of an aspen. It's in the sky, with every star you see. It's in the wind. The wind is so cold. I can't take it. I can't handle the thought of my dog not being in my life anymore so I try not to think about it. If my boyfriend were to kill himself I think I might too. I'd like to think I won't, I'd like to think I've gotten away from those thoughts, and I think I have. Mostly. But sometimes, just sometimes, death is so imminent. Death is everywhere. It scares me.

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I hate when moments end. You know, when we've had one of those moments where we just feel so in love with one another and there's butterfly explosions and jaws  are hurting from smiling too much and this usually hellish kind of world we live in suddenly appears to be all magic. And then it ends. The moment ends. And all I can think about is how much I wish you were here and it seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and suddenly I can't breathe and all I want to do is lie down and cry until summer comes and you finally will be, here, if only for a while.
That's why I'm here you know, that's my drive, my motivation. Next summer. When I will finally hold you after waiting so long, when I will finally kiss you. And maybe some day you and I will get married, have kids, a house, a dog, and the moment will never end. That's why I do this. That's why I stay.
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When moments end and the loneliness presses you further and further down into the deepest ocean and you wish
and wish
and wish your very hardest that maybe,
maybe some day
he will be with you
and the moment
will never
end.

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The windows weep as the trees grin
The sun shines but not from within

Tonight you died, in my dreams
Today, it was all I could think about
All I see is in tears although the world is quite beautiful today
Sun and fall and joyeous colours
Orange, green, red and yellow
The wind sings and the sun shines but I
I look for your face among the leaves
You are so near, yet so far
You are here, yet there
It is as if you are at home, waiting
But I never get home.